The Idiocracy that is the Czech Grocery Store

When I lived in USA, I used to romanticize the notion grocery shopping in Europe. I imagined pedaling my bike while wearing heals and fitted skirt confidently to the local shop (my stereotype of Europeans was that they even bicycled fashionably). I would pick up freshly baked bread everyday, then maybe get fresh flowers from an old woman, who would say hello and tell me in broken English that I looked lovely and should eat more, because I’m too thin! Then I’d go to the green grocer and the proprietor would also be really welcoming, and jovially recommend the best papayas while musing in amazement as to why I don't have a boyfriend, and how lucky that guy would be. (I said it was fantasy right?) *sigh* papayas,in Czech Republic, lol.

So, let's talk about reality. The worst day of my life is every time I have to go to the grocery store in the Czech Republic. If you were to compile every moment I have spent in the check-out line of Penny, Bila, Albert, and don’t even get me started on the rude A-holes at the Czech Tescos; then together that is pretty much the worst day(s) I can imagine! I have completely altered my shopping habits as a result of this unpleasant procedure. I have come up with some basic rules which make the process a bit easier:
1. Never get a trolley/ cart; it requires that I remember to always have a ten crown coin with me, and since the toilet also costs ten crowns it’s really hard to keep those coins in stock! I don't like to get my hopes up, only to discover I haven't got the correct coin. However, this is not a big switch in lifestyle for me, not using carts/trolleys that is. I have never believed is using those things, those are for families! I would never want to be mistaken for being anything other than an ultra-hip swinging single when I shop. I love the feeling of walking past some mom with two screaming kids, cart full of baby formula and diapers, with my bottle of wine, and frozen pizza, bypassing her b-lining it to the check-out, if condoms were widely sold at the grocery stores here, it would be even more of a statement to include them as one of my purchases. That's a non-verbal statement I'd be proud to make openly in that scenario.
2. Target quantities 6: 10 items or less if I have a basket, but even baskets can be a burden, and just make me spend more money. Czech stores never have enough baskets to go around, so I have learned to live without them. It’s an effective way to generate pity, when you have an armful of items you're laboring around the store, while the other shoppers lazy asses are just pushing ‘n browsing like there at the art gallery. I have figured out that I can sustain myself on six items. For example 1. Eggs (breakfast) 2. Yogurt or cottage cheese (breakfast compliment or snack) 3. Bread (I’m of Norwegian heritage, so according to my people bread can be two entire meals right there!) 4/5. Grape tomatoes and green olives (they function as ingrediants but they can stand on their own too). 6. Hodge-podge; maybe pasta, or cheese, tomato beans or kidney beans, fruit, a bar of Milka, but usually just a bottle of wine. That’s really all you actually need, since central Europeans eat hot lunch either in the canteen at work, or at a local café, you don’t need meat, nor do you really need to cook, just some light dinner snack will suffice most of the time. I will admit, Don Delillo made an impression on me when his protagonist in White Noise described grocery shopping as a religious rejuvenating experience, interesting idea. However, I have never found nirvana or anything close to that under florescent lights nestled between the dog food and frozen carrots.
3. Avoid the 5 o’clock shop: This is probably common sense and true in all countries, but I will say it anyway, as it’s an especially acute problem in Europe where store actually run out of staples like bread and fresh vegetables. An additional issue is Czech’s actually eat dinner at home with their families, and most of the time, someone actually cooks this dinner. A novel concept, I thought this was just a myth growing up that mother’s prepared meals for their family and they sat down and ate it… together. I have a mothers that doesn’t believe cooking is something that should be done more than once a week or for other people besides herself, except on a really special occasions. Thus, I don’t cook, not that I don’t know how, I’m actually a pretty good cook, but I’ve got no one to impress, so I’m happy with eating a bowl of tomatoes, olives and kidney beans- and calling it a meal (I am not joking, I eat this on average 4 days a week and totally love it!)
4. Select your check out line carefully: The shortest line is not always the best choice for expediency. Czechs are loyal shoppers, they go to the same store 3-4 times a week minimum, you can trust their judgement on this one, they know which clerk is fast and nice, and which old bag will smell terrible and yell at you, in addition to being slow. So if you see one queue with 2 people and another with 4, you should investigate the reason for this before committing to the short line. I usually regret just getting in the shortest line.
5. Organize your shopping on the conveyer belt: Bear in mind that the check -out bitch is not going to help you in any way, and since you have to bag your own groceries, make it easier for yourself, spread out your items in the order you want her/ him to ring them up (i.e. heavy stuff first, bread and chips last) Another key, is if you have forgotten to bring your own bag, make sure that it is the first thing in the row, it will completely stunt your bagging progress if the bag is at the end of the conveyer belt. Then you’ll get yelled at, for bagging to slow, and holding up the line. For those that cannot imagine the problem, think about what a grocery store looks like in your country. In most countries there is a space for the checker to slide you groceries to after they have done their weighing and beeping. In Eastern Europe and CZ, they don’t have this area! After the beeping and weighing your item basically falls off the end onto the floor if you aren’t ready to put them somewhere. It’s like birthing a baby, or being a baseball catcher, it’s really stressful because you want to organize your bag properly but the if you grew up in a country where some pimple faced high school kid does this for you; you don’t have the training to do this job, let alone quickly! I have studied how Czechs do this in utter amazement, they are so fast! Old people and foreigner just put everything back in the cart/trolley/ basket then use this little side counter to reorganize, but that just seems silly to me, what a waste of time! So I mentally pump myself up when I’m in line, strategizing how to tackle the bagging. This is why in instated rule #2, it solves the problem usually.
6. Weigh your Fruit and Veg: I almost forgot! In the US we have a scale in the fruit section, but I always thought it was just for cheap bastards that were pinching pennies or didn't trust that the cashier would enter the correct weight/ price. I have never actually used it in the US. In Europe, it actually has a really important function! For my American readers; this will shock you! In CZ, if you don't remember to weigh your own fruit and veg, then tag it with the appropriate bar code; they won't let you buy it! I know...a store that WILL NOT LET YOU GIVE THEM MONEY- I had never heard of such a thing either untril I came here. I still haven't really come to terms with the concept that sometimes clerks won't take your money simply because it's too much trouble for them, the result is you either can't have the item, or other times you get it for free. One time I forgot to weigh and tag a bag of oranges, the old wench store clerk snatched the oranged from my pile of purchases and tossed them in the go-backs pile. Nope, I had missed my opportunity- no oranges for me, and no second chances! Then she gave me a really annoyed look as if she were fed up with my games, and hadn't the time for my igornace. Can you imagine such a scenario ever happening in the US that didn't result in the woman immediately being fired, and me getting my oranges and a huge appology from the store manager?! Me either.

Maybe I should submit this blog entry to grocery stores; it wouldn’t change anything, but might make them laugh. If I managed a grocery store, and I knew that for foreigners, shopping at my store was the worst day of their life that might have an impact on me.

Vino Vino Vino!

It's the most wonderful time of the year, if you live in Pardubice and you are a big lush; yes, the last weekend in August is the Pardubicky Festival Vina (The Pardubice Wine Festival). This annual event starts Friday afternoon and runs until Saturday afternoon, with a short pause for sleep. The Old Square is packed with local wine growers and vendors selling their best bottles and hosting tastings. There is a band stand, and a separate special tasting that runs until 6pm inside the Chateau. I was told that in years past even the fountains were filled with wine!(I understand this was stopped because Czech just drank "the decorative fountain", rather than spending money at the festival proper).

My company is a sponsor so employees receive free entrance and tasting tokens. I meet up with a colleague and her friend at the entrance, and we went on a hunt for our companies VIP party, we saw everyone up on the second floor balcony, but couldn’t figure out how to get there. We tried many doors, until finally another colleague came and got us. (It was not obvious, and we were sober at that point). We had some food and a couple drinks with our colleagues, but they were all drinking dry white wine- yuck. We decided to set out to find the award winning wines, and taste the most expensive wines we could find. We meandered among the French, Slovenia to Austria rooms and on to the Chilean wines; drinking and sampling all the way. Stopping briefly to buy some delicious cheese to clense the pallete, and down stairs to try New Zealand wine, all in an hour’s time! I spent every token! We actually hide behind one of the booths with some friends we had meet at one of the Chilean booth, as it was passed last call, we squatted behind the booth, and sample a few more bottles, until security tracked us down and shuffled us toward the square.

On the way we got to chatting with various festival goers, a conversation exchange that occurred with much ease as everyone was sloshed. We all made empty promises to each other and declared that we would see each other in the square; promises immediately forgotten along with names, the moment we went our separate ways. My colleagues and I needed to make a stop at the other work party where we heard there was a lot of good food. The way it worked out we ended up spending the rest of the night there and never even made it to the main square festivities. I understand the party continued after I called it quits at midnight. Apparently many others ended up at a dance club until the wee hours of the morning. I, however, woke up feeling remarkably okay, and even went jogging this morning. I was the only person in Pardubice that felt that way I presume, based on the fact that I was the sole runner on the normally high traffic trail.

If you plan to visit Pardubice, I highly reccomend planning your trip around the last weekend in August.